Learning

Sometimes we forget that learning is a lifelong thing...

Something happened and it looks like i may have to 'learn' something 'learnt' again. But this post is not going to be about that...

It is about children learning and how sometimes i forget the fact that they are learning constantly. From the things they see, the things they hear, the things they weren't meant to see or hear... Sometimes learning is purposeful, and alot of times, it is unintentional (for better or for worse).

And with children, having learnt something doesn't always mean that it's learnt 100% of the time. Sometimes it's because they were distracted. Sometimes it's because they forgot. Or perhaps even that they just cant be bothered to demonstrated what exactly it was that they have learnt. Other times, it may just well be that we have wrongly assumed that they have learnt something but actually, they have not (but convincingly 'bluff' their way through).

How do we tell which is the case, when it comes to children and their learning?

I think it bores down to making alot of observations, linking what we have observed to the knowledge we already have of the child, and trying to be as objective as possible as well as taking into consideration the context and skills required. Which actually is alot more work than people think. That is why, no one really gets it correct all the time because there are just too many components involved. But the more one tries, with practice hopefully one gets better at it?
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Recently i asked Kiddo if she wanted to learn violin or the piano. Her answer was unequivocal "No". But asked if she wanted to learn violin, painting or dancing, her answer would always be "dancing.. like ballerina". My first reaction (which lasted quite a while) was "Oh no..." Strange as it seems, i do not have visions of Kiddo prancing around in little pink tutus and in fact, do not even find kiddos dancing in little tutus cute (apologies to anyone who has kids doing ballet). I have, however, entertained thoughts of Kiddo and I learning violin together (aww.. little kids holding their little violins are so adorable) or perhaps even doing a duet on the piano. But it appears like Kiddo is not very interested in fulfilling Mami's dream.

A couple of times, I thought, "What the heck.. what would a would-be 3yr old know? Let's just sign her up for some music classes and get her interested! She would play the violin soon enough".... But.... let's examine some evidence here first:

- From early toddlerhood, Kiddo would always insist that i play on the piano while she sits on my lap to listen. She has tinkered with the keys once in a while but never really sustained any interest.

- From the time she could walk confidently, she would always rather i play and sing on the piano, while she prances around. Lately, fluttering around with the piano cover, pretending to be a fairy/ballerina.

- At the concert with the Melbourne Symphonic Orchestra which featured some ballet dancers, she was focused on dancing and following the ballerinas and didn't really care much about the musicians or the instruments (She could identify several instruments by their sounds and look but i think that's the extent of her 'ability' and interest).

I guess i am not adversed to letting her join a ballet class for pre-schoolers and see how things go from there. She may not get serious about it as she gets older (interest change) and there's where one of my dilemmas come in... if ballet is not MY interest (or aspiration for her), would i be able to provide some discipline for her to keep her going or just happily let her drop out as and when she wants to because of my lack of interest? At the moment, i am inclined to believe that i would do the latter, and would probably do the former if she were to pick up a musical instrument for example. Knowing the importance of discipline when learning a skill may not be enough to keep Kiddo going (I am being frank here) because i know myself.

As much as i wished that Kiddo will explore and decide what she wants and hopefully enjoy whatever she does... i cant help but realized that alot of that depends on ME (and my own notions of interest/learning/enjoyment). Would being aware of this fact, make me more objective when helping Kiddo pursue what she likes? I certainly hope so! But i am realistic enough to know that my own personality and interests may sometimes come into conflict with my greater aspirations (of myself as a supportive mom)...

Spring

Spring's finally here but it's been cold and wet for most parts. Not really liking the rain but it was nice when the sun is out and we are getting flowers blooming everywhere.

Went to the Royal Melbourne Show for the first time but the weather was quite bad. In fact a thunderstorm caused the show to close early at 5pm. We were lucky to have made it out and on to a train before the rain started to come down heavily. All in all, it was a nice experience... but got to go with a budget in mind and also, pack your own food/drinks because prices were exhorbitant.

Have not been blogging lately. I wanted to write some stuff about parenting and actually had a couple of post in my head. But for some reasons, i should could not get myself sorted. I really have no excuse because it's school holidays now but i guess i am just slacking off.

One of the reasons that i wanted to write about my experiences with parenting was that i had been reading and commenting on a parenting website with regards to defiant children. There were so many parents going on and on about how parents need to show kids who is in charge and also suitable amount of 'physical punishment' is necessary. More than a few had wrote in to said that 'positive' strategies such as time-out etc, just do not work when they tried. A few parents like myself that speak out against spanking etc, got commented that it was unrealistic and the author of that article was lampooned for not having any experiences with children.

I have a few ideas about why perhaps positives strategies do not work when some parents tried it and wanted to pen something down. Perhaps i am just having an 'easy' child and do not feel the 'pain' of these parents... *shrugs* Still, if positive strategies can work, would parents really need to resort to spanking?

Bringing up Baby

Just a couple of weekends ago, i was chit-chatting with a two of my girl-friends about our kids. We were all very similar in that we all came from SG, have only 1 kid and all the kids are roughly the same age (born in the same year) so it is quite natural for us to sometimes revolve our discussions around the kids we have. Anyway.. as we were just sharing updates about our toddlers and basically 'off-loading' (as moms do when they get a break away from being a "mom"), one of them (or was it both) said that I am very lucky because Kiddo is such a good girl and doesnt give much problems. I guess comments like that are not new because I have heard similar comments from relatives and friends, who may not have seen Kiddo much, but get alot of updates/photos etc of her from my FB. However, when i shared that Kiddo is not quite as 'good' or 'problems-free', my girl-friends didnt believe me.

No one believed that Kiddo had thrown tantrums and laid crying facedown on the floor and refused to budge, then get even more upset when her face/floor gets messy with tears and snort.

No one believed that Kiddo would get so cranky that she would ask for one thing and refused the same in exact same breath over and over, till you run out of options of what exactly she could have wanted, and then have her meltdown into a puddle of tears and snort.

No one believed that Kiddo can get so rigid with routines and people that if things don't fall in place according to how things are 'supposed' to be, she absolutely refused to do anything (again another puddle of tears and snort).

No one believed that Kiddo can whine incessantly about something that she wanted at the precise moment that we cant do anything about it (e.g. when i am driving on the car alone with her), till she worked herself up into a frenzy and i needed to find a place to stop the car to calm her down.

No one believed that Kiddo can get so worked up that she could cry till she throws up, sometimes intentionally.

By sharing all these things, i am not trying to show that Kiddo is a little "monster" (yes, there are moms going thru a much tougher time cos' their kids' behaviour are even more difficult) or that I have been trying to hide away her 'bad' points from people all these while. In fact, when she had the opportunity to throw one of such 'fits' infront of people, i pretty much react the same as i would do as if we were alone because i don't mind people seeing or knowing how she behaves.

Kiddo is not perfect and i guess no kid is. But i think the difference is why alot of people think Kiddo is "very good" compared to other children, is because i don't say or 'complain' very much about the stuff i have just shared. And the reason that i dont is because i dont see these issues as "problems" but very much things that children do go through in their process of growing up. Hence i dont dwell very much on them, nor do they cause me to feel upset or frustrated for more than the duration when such things happened (yes, i get frazzled nerves on days too).

I dont know if that type of mindset makes a big difference to how Kiddo develops but i think it certainly make a big difference to me because it allows me to feel in control of situations, to see the lighter side of parenting and alleviate some level of stress when dealing with a tantruming child. Probably some people would think it is easy for me to think like that because i know 'what to do' with children due to my professional work. I admit, yes, on days when Kiddo is being difficult, i find 'retreating' away from Mom-mode, into my professional work frame of mind helped. It meant i could shut off to a certain degree the emotional aspect and be more clinicial/rational in my approach to Kiddo, which in emotionally built-up situations, can be essential when trying to manage an out-of-control child. But, despite whatever experiences i have at work, it is still a different thing when that very out-of-control child who is screaming till she throws up, is your very own (and not someone else's).

There are times when i would be in my 'clinical-mode', sitting next to her as she tantrums, watching out for the moment to intervene and calm her down, and at the same time having doubts about myself, wondering if what i am doing is the right thing and feeling my blood pressure escalating (from frustration, anger, stress etc). But once that episode is over, when i managed to keep my cool and follow through with strategies that i hope will help in the long run, that's it. These situations are just tiny bleeps that has no impact on the fact that i feel tremendously blessed to have Kiddo because there are so many positives that can and ought to be celebrated.

I don't think that i am a fantastic mom or that Kiddo is an exceptional child. But i'd like to think that the relationship between us is something special and exceptional. I don't believe in the idea that some children are just difficult and just grow into difficult adults. I also dont believe that children would 'out-grow' their 'problems' on their own and these early years are just something we shut our eyes/ears to till they become better. I think this is the time for active parenting where one start laying foundations for tools that children can use to help themselves as they grow older. And to do that, it helps to be calm, be optimistic, be positive and be patient.

Of course, I dont have all the answers and strategies but i know i am not helpless either, because together, Kiddo and i, will find a way forward. I trust that she would let me know what she needs and with the bond that we've built, i would be able to understand what she means. At the end of the day, hopefully she will grow into her own little person happily and i can age gracefully with fewer white hairs and worry-wrinkles.

I almost forgot...

I turned 35 on 1st of March.

Bdays are becoming less and less of an affair as years passed...

No fan-fare, no presents, no birthday candles (i did have the mudcake from safeway) and no party. I did get a nice bday card though.

I guess that's alright... :)

Any birthday wishes? Nope!

First thoughts

New year and after almost 2 months of being in SG, I will be going back to Melb again in a week's time. It seems like that I have been in SG for a long time, in between there was that trip to Japan, but still, I think I am almost 'acclimatized' to SG and now I will have to leave again.

I remembered that each time coming back, there was always that period of 'adjustment' for me. Trying to get use to being "home". Unlike hubs, it is harder for me to say that SG is home or Melb is (for him, it is HOME when he is back in SG). Most time I would refer to going back to Melb as going "home". But after spending a longer time back here in SG, it is easy to start thinking of here as "home" again.

I am not sure if I like this ping-pong feeling.

For the most part, as much as I enjoy coming back to SG and seeing friends etc, I do miss the quiet and solitude of Melb. We don't do much there and my life pretty much just revolves around Kiddo and hubs. Some will feel that it is pretty boring but perhaps that's how I am. A pretty boring person. Staying in SG inevitably meant a lot of need to fulfil obligations, to do the 'social' things (not of my own wishes) and subjecting myself to meet other people's wishes and demands. Of cos' there is also there fact that we are staying with my parents, which is not all a bad thing, but given some time, some friction tend to occur between my mom and I, sparked off by our volatile tempers. In instances like these, I think longingly of our own little space many kms away in another continent.

I guess I am an escapist. I am never good with meeting others' expectations anyway.

Still, there are going to be things and people i miss here. But I am not sure accumulatively, they add up to make it worthwhile for me to want to stay in SG. Every time i come back, we are always asked when we will move back to SG. To alot of people, we (or rather hubs) have always made it clear that it was just for a duration of time and we would definitely be back (say in a 2-3yrs?). For me, each time, it becomes a little harder for me to say that we will _definitely_ be back... because, I am not sure I really want to.

No... I am not saying that I want to live in Melb forever either. Just that, I become less sure of my place here in SG and bringing up Kiddo here. As she grows older, I cant help but look at the other kids her age and what they are doing (or put to doing) in SG and compare that to Melb. To be frank, I am afraid of the kind of parenting and kids' experiences happening around which I've observed here. To be fair, there is nothing wrong with what parents are doing here, well, nothing wrong given the circumstances parents are subjected to here. But, still, I am afraid. The acceleration of kids' development. The focus on results and value. The huge amount of finances it appeared that parents devote to the kids (happily or otherwise). The inevitable competition (consciously or unconsciously). Without meaning to, perhaps, there seems to be a great focus on materials and time. Everything happens so quickly. Children seems to grow so quickly and yet not fast enough for some. It seems to have gotten to a point that everything looked so stressful (for adults and children) BUT they no longer seem to feel it. I guess children wouldn't know what stress is if they have always grown up with it (till they reach breaking point and that's the dangerously thing, becos' you get few warning signs since the built up is not gradual). And for the adults, either they dont see it, or chooses to close an eye to it (becos' it is reality.. becos' that's what kids' need to learn to survive here..) so they convince themselves that it is good for the kids and that kids enjoy it.

Maybe they do. But would who is on the look out for that tip over the pinnacle? Would we even recognize it? Perhaps i am under-estimating how resilient children can be but my concern is, do we know how much we push the kids when they themselves may not have the ability to let us know? Sometimes i see parents not recognizing the low-level responses (indicative of stress) in their own children. Not becos they don't want to, but becos they dont know how. To recognize those tell-tale signs, one would really need to know the child well (spending alot of quality time to gether, going through problems, letting child problem solve, observing their thought processes, their behaviours when faced with difficulties, coping mechanism they have etc etc). It sounds clinical but all parents can learn this... but you need the time to do so. But where does one find the time when the child spent most of his/her time in childcare, enrichment classes, tuition.. interacting with teachers, helpers, other caregivers and tutors?

I could be just pessimistic and overly concern about nothing. Perhaps alot of children grow up pretty fine (as someone keep reminding me "We also grow up like that what... and we are ok"). But still, it doesnt mean that I agree or is comfortable with the circumstances that children are growing up with here. As much as parental values play a part, one cannot underestimate the environmental impact since kids do not grow up in isolation. You got to work with what you have. As much as things are so 'developed' and 'advance' here, things are far from perfect in my view.

My feelings with regards to these as been a source of contention between hubs and I. I am not sure who is right... and sometimes i feel that we are just not talking on the same page. Yet, I feel that it is something we should work out soon... as Kiddo is growing and time passes quickly.